(no subject)

[everyone_takes]

Kate's done feeling sorry for herself.

That's a total lie, but she's determined to try and if trying means that she has to lie to herself and others, then that's what she's going to do. She is not above lying in order to feel better. At this point, she isn't sure if it's helping at all, but she thinks it might be. She's out, anyway, out of the hut. There's a towel slung over her shoulder and she has a bathing suit on under her shorts and tank top, lunch and a book in her little bag.

She looks like a totally normal girl ready for a day at the beach. But that isn't where she's going. As she got ready that morning, that had been the original plan, but now that she's actually outside, she's found herself walking toward the waterfall instead. It's big and it's loud when she gets right up close and there's a little part of her that wants to try jumping off the top. Other people have done it, it can't be that dangerous, but it feels a little less normal than going to the beach.

She might be done feeling sorry for herself, but she isn't ready for normal.

"Hey," she says when she sees Harley on the boardwalk up ahead, then hurries to catch up with him. "Hey, come to the waterfall with me, okay?"

Comments

[bloodycrescents]

I don't know what it is exactly, but over the last couple months here, this place has started to feel more like home. And I don't mean in the whole sense of belonging somewhere or whatever, even though I guess there's some of that, too. It's just more like home now, in that every time I turn around, it seems like some girl needs something from me. I've been keeping an eye on Carla Jean ever since she pulled her gun on me, trying to spot the guy who spooked her and failing, and most of the time, I still don't know what it is Thalia needs from me.

With Kate, though, it's easy. It sucks, knowing what she's lost, because even when family drives you crazy, you don't really want them gone, but I get it. If she doesn't want to be alone, I can give her that. It's not like I'm going much of anywhere anyway, wandering with a tote bag of my own, big enough to keep from looking like I'm carrying a purse around, even though it only contains the sketchbook and pencils I've still barely used. Mostly I just sit places and look, waiting for it to feel like it's okay.

"Yeah, sure," I say, stopping until she's alongside me. "What's up?"

[everyone_takes]

"Nothing. I think I'm gonna jump off the top," she says, figuring she might as well get it out there. "It's not too high, right? I've seen other people do it." And she's a relatively strong swimmer, too, but maybe being a good swimmer has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's all luck and she might just come down on a rock and break her stupid leg or something.

It's all sort of stupid, but she thinks she's entitled to a little bit of stupid right now. Someone -- one of her mother's alters, probably -- might argue that she's never needed a reason to act stupid, but Kate thinks she's had her shit pretty well pulled together for the past few months. A lot of that's come undone recently, with good reason, and she's still trying to figure out a way to put it back together.

Or trying to decide if she even wants to put it back together. Letting it all fall apart seems like a lot less work.

[bloodycrescents]

"No, not too high," I agree. She seems pretty cheerful about the whole thing and it's not like I can scold her when I let Effy drag me up there a week or so after I got here. That seems like a million years ago. I wonder how she's doing, and if it's weird to think fondly of her when she looks so much like Thalia. Either way, I managed to walk away miraculously in one piece. It's a strange sort of thrill, as much terror as it is excitement. I thought I might crack my head open when I landed, but it was fucking exhilarating. "I did it once."

[everyone_takes]

"Yeah?" Kate asks, hooking her arm through his without a second thought. "Effy jumped off it, too. That was the first time I met her." The first time she met her the second time, really, but that's still a whole new meeting. Effy isn't the same girl she was the first time around.

"What's it like?" she asks, slowing her pace, her bag thumping lightly against her hip as they walk. What she wants to know, really, is if it's going to help her at all, but Harley can't answer that for her. It probably won't. She isn't sure anything is going to make her feel better except for time, just like everyone says.

[bloodycrescents]

I scoff at her initial response, brow raising. I barely know Effy, and still it hardly surprises me to hear that. She seems like a girl unafraid of risks, one who'll take any thrill she can get. The thought makes me uneasy, and I push it aside. "Yeah," I say wryly. "The time I jumped was the first time I met her."

I think back to it, and what I remember is less the descent than the ascent, the way we raced up that hill, the sway of her hips, a deliberate, provocative roll. She drew me in like a siren, impossibly alluring and mysterious, but even then, I think I knew she was just a stand-in for Thalia, back before I thought I had a chance with either of them, with anyone at all. "It's... I don't know. It's jumping. It's over fast."

[everyone_takes]

Kate likes that, although she doesn't know how to say so without sounding like a complete tool. It's jumping. It's over fast. She wishes the same could be said about a lot of stuff in life, though she knows most people -- most adults -- would tell her that's just part of being alive. Nothing is over fast, everything is its own kind of special torture.

"So you wanna jump with me today?" she asks instead, giving Harley a grin. It isn't that she's scared to do it alone, but lately she's always had someone with her. Effy or Jeff or Danny, people who've been keeping her company because they know how shitty things are lately. For the past several weeks, she and Effy have been together almost all the time. It's easier to deal with it, just a little bit, knowing she's not alone.

[bloodycrescents]

I arch an eyebrow at her, considering the question, the bag bumping against my side as I walk and the contents I'm still not sure I want. It's been months since I jumped with Effy, and she still seems distant, almost intangible, though Thalia more than makes up for that. She makes up for a hell of a lot.

"Yeah, sure," I say with a shrug. There's no harm in it, no reason not to, and I guess I like it enough to bother. If Kate wants me around, I'll stick around.

[everyone_takes]

"Cool," she says simply, giving him another grin as the sound of the waterfall drifts toward them through the trees. She never remembers how loud it is until she's there again, listening to all that water pound down on the pool below and she wonders, not for the first time, if this isn't a really bad idea.

"That way you can drag my stupid ass out if I break my leg," she says, then laughs. "Shit. Is this totally stupid?" She's pretty sure Marshall would tell her that it's stupid, but he's not here to do that anymore. He's not here to be her voice of reason.

[bloodycrescents]

I shake my head, setting my bag down on the rocks as we get closer. No one's going to steal that shit, and anyway, I don't want it near enough the water to get ruined. "Lots of people do it," I reason, looking at the waterfall through the trees, voice pitched a little louder. I know that doesn't make it smart, because people do a lot of shit that's fucking stupid, but in this case, it doesn't mean it's not either. If it keeps her smiling, then it's fine. "Haven't heard of anyone getting hurt."

[everyone_takes]

"It would suck so much to be stuck in a cast," she says, but she sets her things down near Harley's anyway with every intention of still going through with it. "I don't know, it feels like... feels like the sort of thing both my parents and Marshall would totally disapprove of. They'd all tell me I was being crazy or something."

She shrugs, then tries another smile that doesn't come quite as easily. "So naturally I have to do it."

[bloodycrescents]

I roll my eyes, scoffing. "Naturally," I say. It doesn't mean I won't go up with her, but it sounds to me a lot like how Amber used to operate. She wasn't exactly big on listening to anything anyone told her to do ever. I kind of get the impulse. I mean, there's something about doing the forbidden or even just the frowned upon that feels good and all. It just isn't always the best reason to do anything.

Anyway, at least I'm with her, I figure. If anything goes wrong, I can keep an eye on her. "Come on, if we go back this way, there's a path to the top."

[everyone_takes]

"So at least we'll only break our legs on the way down," Kate says brightly, figuring she'll leave her sandals on for a trek up the waterfall, even if there is a path. But she follows him willingly, letting him lead the way. He's been up there already, after all, and she's only watched people do it, envious of them in a way she doesn't know how to admit to.

"So what's in the bag?" she asks as they walk. "Your drawing stuff?" It looks about the right size and although he said last time that he didn't know what to do with it, she figures it's the sort of stuff he'll probably at least try. She might be wrong, but it's her best guess.

[bloodycrescents]

I glance over at her, a little embarrassed she gets it, even though I know I shouldn't be. She's kind of like Callie, encouraging me, and I don't really know what to do with that, but I know she isn't going to laugh at me for it.

"Yeah," I say, shrugging. "Sketchpad, pencils, shit like that." I keep carrying it around, thinking that maybe, sooner or later, I'll see something and actually feel like I can draw the way that stuff is meant for. The island's not exactly short on scenery either. It's just talent that's missing.

[everyone_takes]

"Are you using it more?" she asks, pushing past a little tree, trying not to let it scratch her bare legs as she moves beyond it. "I mean, have you tried drawing some stuff?" She has a really great idea suddenly, although she doesn't know if Harley will think it's so great and so she wonders if she should share it with him at all.

It's just an idea, though. Even if it is brilliant.

"What about a class?" she asks, trying to be casual. "I mean, when school starts up again."

[bloodycrescents]

I look at her a little like she's crazy, which she probably kind of is. I graduated high school, but there was never any idea I'd make more of myself than that. There's too much that needed to be done at home for me to think about leaving the way Skip did. Anyway, I'm not really that smart.

Drawing is different, though. It's not like they can grade on whether or not I did the reading in a class based on which I draw. It still seems like a good way of fucking things up, but I'm not that great at this on my own. "I don't know," I say, shrugging. "Maybe. You gonna take law again?"

[everyone_takes]

"I don't know," she answers, shrugging as well. "Not like, the same class, but if Danny thinks there's something else I should take, then I'll probably take it. I think he's going to make me take some kind of gun safety class. I mean, he'll probably just teach me. I don't think they offer anything like that at the school."

Ducking under a branch, Kate looks over at Harley and smiles a little. "I think you should. If you totally hate it, you can just stop going, right? It's not like you'll get in trouble for dropping out."

[bloodycrescents]

I shrug again, not really wanting to let on there's logic in her suggestion. I don't even know if it's something I want to do, so I'm not about to agree to some class. Not yet anyway.

"He hasn't taught you gun safety yet?" I ask instead, arching an eyebrow at her. It's a pretty important lesson, especially considering how little she knows about this shit. I could show her, but he probably knows a hell of a lot more than I do.

[everyone_takes]

"Well, I'm not allowed to even touch it yet," she answers, rolling her eyes. It's for the best, she knows that, the exasperation is really just for show. "Right now we're practicing like, crime scene techniques and stuff like that. He won't let me do anything with the real gun until I understand about when and where I need to get backup and how to not put my life in danger. Stuff like that. I guess it's all pretty important."

But she wants him to show her how to be safe with the gun. It just sits there in its box and it makes her sort of nervous.

[bloodycrescents]

"It's also pretty fucking important you know how to be safe with that thing," I point out. I guess I get where Danny's coming from. I don't know the guy, but I know he's trained, a cop, so he knows better than I do about the shit Kate needs to know to keep going down this path. I still don't think it's a good idea for her to have it and not know how to handle it. She doesn't need to know how to shoot someone yet, she needs to know how not to shoot one. There are so many ways it could go wrong. Just because she's not supposed to touch it yet doesn't mean she shouldn't be prepared.

We're nearing the top, but I slow down anyway, squinting over at her. "Just to make sure the safety's on and shit."

[everyone_takes]

"Hey," Kate says, looking at him seriously. It's a dangerous thing and she knows that, but she doesn't want people to worry about her either. "I don't touch it. I promise. It's locked up in its box and when Danny teaches me, that's when I'll take it out, but I won't be touching it before then."

The last thing she'd want to do is mess with that thing. It still sort of freaks her out a little bit, especially now that Marshall's gone. He'd known how to use the gun. Well, he'd known how to be safe about it, anyway, which was a hell of a lot more than Kate knew.

[bloodycrescents]

"What if someone breaks in?" I ask her. It's kind of ludicrous when no one here steals shit from anyone, so it's kind of hard to imagine anyone bothering to rob her, but I don't really care. This whole fucking place is ludicrous anyone. One question isn't going to bring that to a crashing halt. "They get the gun somehow or you get theirs away from them, I don't know. It's —"

I cut myself off, feeling like an idiot. She's not worried. If anything, she's worried about me, and I don't want her to be, and I can't help thinking of home either. It wasn't a burglar that fucked everything up there.

"Just make sure he teaches you soon."

[everyone_takes]

It's sort of nice, having someone worry about her. Half the time it seems like the adults in her life are just trying to teach her how to be an adult -- which she appreciates, since she has no clue -- but none of them really worry about her. Not like her parents did. And it's not like she expects Harley to start treating her like a kid, but it's still kind of nice. It makes her feel a little bit better.

"I will," she says and rather than looping her arm through Harley's this time, she reaches out and takes his hand. Just for a second, just long enough to squeeze lightly and climb up onto the top of the path, hearing the rumble of the water getting closer by the second. "Thanks."

[bloodycrescents]

It's a skill worth having and one she's going to need eventually, so I don't mind about her learning to use the gun. It's just the idea of her not knowing how that makes me jumpy. It's too fucking dangerous. We grew up with guns in the house, but we all learned young how to at least handle the safety.

"Come on, right up through here," I say, pushing past some brush so that we come out near the edge. It looks a lot higher from up here.

[everyone_takes]

It's weird, now that she's up here, the jump doesn't seem so strange or scary or even that necessary. The things Harley has said, even if it wasn't his intention, it's all made her feel a little bit better. For a moment she just stands at the edge of the waterfall and looks down at the pool of water below, reminding herself that there are still people here who worry. There are still people who care.

Still, she looks over at Harley and grins. "Ready?" she asks. They've come all the way up here, even if it doesn't feel as necessary as it did down there, she isn't going to let this opportunity go by. She might never feel the need to do this again. "Count of three?"

[bloodycrescents]

I nod, glancing down at the water, and take a deep breath. I took a leap months ago with Effy and it all worked out. It looks like a hell of a fall, but it's not as dangerous as all that. Knowing that doesn't make it any less of a thrill.

"Count of three," I echo, looking over at her. If she's up here, dangerous or not, I'd rather it be with me anyway. "Three, two, one."

I jump.