(no subject)

[everyone_takes]

Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Kate's pretty much determined that old cliché to be total bullshit, because here she is, months after Marshall disappeared and she still feels like crap almost every day. Some days are better than others and sometimes she can pretend she's happy long enough to fool some people, but it never sticks. At the end of the day she still goes home and thinks about all her family members who aren't there with her and feels like she's been left behind.

She doesn't tell anyone, but all she wants lately is just to go home.

But she does all the stuff people expect of her, even though she doesn't want to. She trains with Danny and pays attention to what he's saying. She spends time with her friends, with her boyfriend, she acts like herself, but she never feels like herself. No matter what she does, she feels like some kind of imposter who's just floating through her life.

The worst part is that there's nothing she can do that makes it go away. For the past few days, she's been thinking about going off on her own, doing something that's probably sort of stupid, but nothing seems to appeal to her. The dinosaurs still don't hold that much interest for her and she doesn't care about camping or looking for weird animals or bugs. That sort of leaves her with Rapture, even though she isn't sure about going down there. They probably wouldn't let her go down alone, anyway, but she can hardly ask Danny to go along with her.

Standing in front of the caves, she frowns and stares down into the dark. She has a flashlight, but no idea where to do or what she'll do when she gets there.

Comments

[girlsolo]

If it weren't for Bonny, Kate would probably still be in bed. The island's back to itself which is good because she missed it. But it's bad because every place reminds her of Declan. She wants to pull the covers up over her head and sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore but it's been a month and it's always going to hurt a little. It just is.

So when Bonny whines to go out, Kate gets up and lets her. And when she whines to go play, Kate gets dressed and takes her over to play with the dog and the wolf and the ocicat. And when she whines for food, Kate feeds them all and then sinks down onto the stairs, head in her hands, and just sits there batting the all away when they try to tug her out to play with one or another set of teeth in her laces.

Dr. J rescues her, eventually, sitting down next to her and just waiting to see if she'll talk. He's a lot like Will like that. Eventually she says, "I can't. I just...I can't do this today."

"This?" he asks.

She flings a hand out to indicate the animals in New Atlantis that he and Sam and Jonas and now she take care of. "This. Any of it."

There's this pain in his eyes that looks like how she feels. He nods, eyes closing for a second and says, "You don't have to. I'll watch Bonny and William. You go take care of Kate."

She seriously could've blown him right there on the porch for gratitude, but she keeps it to kissing his cheek. "Thanks," she tells him and an hour and a half later, she's dressed for anything and headed for the caves. The one place she and Declan never went together was Rapture. So today, she's going there.

Figures other-her would have the same plan. She smiles, kind of dark and bitter. "Hey, Kate."

[everyone_takes]

"Hey," Kate says, snapping back from the mouth of the cave, looking terribly guilty. This isn't where she's supposed to be and she's fairly certain if Danny finds her down here, he'll give her shit for it. It's not safe, it's too dark, too dangerous, she'll trip and break her leg. There's probably about ninety good reasons that she shouldn't be here and at first she isn't sure if Kate's going to give her a hard time or just ask her what she's doing.

A second later, though, she grins. She still feels a little guilty, like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't be doing, but she doubts Kate is going to tell on her or drag her out because it's dangerous.

"I was just... I don't know," she admits. "Looking. Sort of."

[girlsolo]

Kate knows that look. It's like I wanna but I shouldn't but I need to and I don't want to get in trouble and I'm a little scared but mostly it's like I need to do something or I'm going to scream. Which is weird because it's just a guilty look and a grin and some conspiratorial tone.

But other-Kate's having kind of a shitty month. Kate doesn't even know if she's seen her since Declan disappeared. In passing and stuff but it was easier to miss people when everything was all desert and dusty. Buildings and stuff.

She shrugs and hauls out her flashlight. "I was planning to go check it out. Wanna come?"

[everyone_takes]

"Really?" Kate asks, although she knows better than to question someone when they're inviting her to go do something that she's been thinking about. Especially when that thing might be dangerous and especially since she knows that the entrance is guarded. Hermione told her that and Kate doubts someone from the ITF is going to let her go down to look at Rapture by herself.

"You think they'll let me in if I'm with you?" she asks, turning her flashlight on. "Because I'm pretty sure they won't let me go down there alone. It's not safe or whatever and I'm just a kid. Like usual." It's strange to think that she's nearly nineteen, that back home she'd be employed full time or maybe going to school or doing something productive.

[girlsolo]

"Probably depends on who's got guard duty, but if you don't act like you shouldn't be allowed they probably won't say anything."

Kate's not sure how any of it works, but they've got to know she trains with McGarrett by now, and Kate trains with Danny. Kate can take care of herself and other-Kate just fine.

"C'mon."

[everyone_takes]

Kate follows her willingly enough, turning on her flashlight when it gets dark enough that she can't see where she's walking and then only sweeping it back and forth over the floor. Mostly she doesn't want to break her leg. It would be pretty shitty to have to be dragged up from the caves and be put in a cast for a month or even longer.

"What's even down there?" she asks. "Do you know?"

[girlsolo]

"Part of a city," Kate says economically. Mostly she's trying not to think about the fact she moved away from the Sanctuary to live in a destroyed city in Hollow Earth and help rebuild it. "There's supplies and shit hidden away, too."

Kate's thinking weapons. Maybe food. Maybe booze. Maybe just finding new places to get lost, since sex is good but since the thing with Imri, she's been... Whatever, not thinking about that right now.

When they get to the entry, Thrace is on guard-duty. Kate gives her a heads up and tips her head at other-Kate. She gets the nod back from Thrace and might-be a hint of something like a smile for the fact other-Kate's got someone with her.

"Thanks," she says as they pass the guard-post and then nudges other-Kate in the shoulder. "See, what'd I tell you?"

[everyone_takes]

"People just trust you because you're badass and can take care of yourself," Kate answered, though she really didn't have an issue with that. It was nice, people assuming she could take care of herself, too, even if it was only because she was with someone who could.

"If I tried to go down here alone, they'd laugh me right back up to the surface," she said. "Danny doesn't even let me touch my gun yet." And she wasn't sure when that would change, if ever. It seemed like he had a huge list of things she had to do first, classes she had to take, books she had to read, exercises she had to participate in.

[girlsolo]

"People trust I can take care of myself," Kate corrects and sweeps her flashlight around the cave entrance. She knows better than to think people trust her. The ones that do... she shrugs to herself. She's a lot more trustworthy than she used to be, but she still looks to her bottom line first. It's just that her bottom line includes a lot more people now.

"And Danny's not an idiot. Just because you know how to shoot a gun doesn't mean you should be carrying one or that you know how to use it."

[everyone_takes]

"I don't know how to shoot the gun," Kate said with a shrug. "I mean, I get that there's a bunch of safety stuff I need to know first and that I need lessons and classes, but I just sort of want to get there eventually. Not because I'm all excited about a gun, but because it freaks me out. Having it there, but not knowing how to use it. I dunno, it just... it freaks me out."

That was all she could say about it, because she didn't know how to explain it better than that. "And Danny's great," she added. "Definitely not an idiot." Having him around had become really important to her.

[girlsolo]

Kate actually doesn't need to explain. It's like the Herusan promise band, sort of. She nods while they move forward through the tunnel. "I get it. Guns are like, this thing that represents enormous power. They're dangerous. And owning one means a lot of things. It means a lot of things about you."

She chews on the inside of her lip, thinking. Mostly about Jimmy. "Having one means you could shoot someone someday. Maybe to stop them from hurting someone else. Maybe to hurt them. It's this...thing with...all this potential. That's pretty scary."

[everyone_takes]

"I just..." She paused, thinking of what Harley had said to her, the concern he'd had with the gun just sitting there in its box in her hut. It may have been locked, but that didn't mean a person couldn't break into it and steal it. "I'd hate to be there with it and not know how to use it and have someone else use it against me or against someone else," she settled on saying.

Then she shrugged. "I don't know, it's not like I'm gonna carry it everywhere with me when I do know how to use it. It's just... without that knowledge, it seems bigger."

[girlsolo]

"Respecting it's healthy." Kate's watching the path ahead of them, sweeping the light back and forth. It's actually pretty safe and clear, so she turns to glance across her shoulder at Kate.

"Danny's been teaching you hand-to-hand, too, right? CQB or Krav Maga? Learning to disarm someone or how not to use a gun's more important than knowing how to shoot." Any idiot can pull a trigger. It's knowing when that's the thing it's hard to learn.

[everyone_takes]

"Mostly we're doing procedure right now," she answered, watching the path in front of them as well. This was by far the deepest she'd been in the caves, maybe with the exception of Chris's party, but her memories of that night were pretty vague, given how high she'd been and she couldn't remember how she'd gotten from the party to the rec room that night.

"How to interrogate properly and how to check out a crime scene without fucking anything up," she continued. "I took the self defense class with Natasha, though. She was really good. Really smart, really fucking tough." Kate liked tough women, she liked seeing women who could kick ass and take care of shit.

[girlsolo]

"Cop stuff. Forensics." She juts her chin toward the thing that takes them down to Rapture. She still really freaking hates rides. But like surfing and riding, facing her fears is how she gets by. So she ignores the fact they're getting into the thing and says to Kate instead, "You should take Will's class. He's the best at that."

And a few minutes later when they're being lowered down, her voice is a little tense when she says, "We should spar. It's good to practice with lots of different people. Lots of styles." She remembers a fight she had with Declan right after they got together where he wanted to talk to Steve about her training. Synchronize. And she'd told him to fuck off because synchronizing wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to know every damned thing she could.

[everyone_takes]

"I'm pretty sure I am," she answered, following Kate into the thing that would take them down as she tried to remember. "I'm taking some politics class and a social problems class that Danny's teaching and sociology with the guy who taught my law class last semester. I like him. And, yeah, criminal and forensic psychology, too. "

She was quiet for a moment, then looked over when Kate spoke again, a smile curving her mouth. "Yeah?" she asked. "That would be really cool, actually. I bet Danny'd like it and I just... I like learning how to fight." She wasn't really much of a fighter in that way, but it made her feel powerful and that was something she liked.

[girlsolo]

Kate nods through the stuff about classes. She's been thinking about it, but she doesn't really know what to take. It's part of not knowing who the fuck she is, she figures.

"Sure," she says instead of any of the crap in her head. It's something to keep her mind off the trip down. She eve quirks a little grin. "Promise to go easy on you until the first time you land a punch. After that, you're on your own."

[everyone_takes]

With a laugh, Kate nodded, figuring that was fair. It would also probably be a good chunk of time before she actually managed to land a punch. She and Marshall had never been the sort of siblings who fought physically. Even their verbal arguments were usually pretty tame, especially given how abusive Kate knew she could get with other people.

"So what's the secret to like, the perfect punch?" she asked as they descended.

[girlsolo]

"The satisfying crunch of bone in some asshole dickbag's face because he deserved the hell out of it," Kate answers without hesitation.

The bathysphere stops and Kate gets out gratefully. It takes her a minute to readjust her eyes to the ambient light. There's not a lot, but enough they don't need the flashlights. She tucks hers back in her pocket and looks around.

Between the stairs and the gold walls that led to the bathysphere, Kate's sort of expecting Hollow Earth. She's not completely disappointed. That sends a little shiver up her spine and she can't help thinking about her future-fiance.

[everyone_takes]

Kate just about laughed, but then they were coming to a stop and she stepped out as well, her lips parting in surprise. This wasn't what she was expecting at all -- although if she stopped to think about it, she wasn't sure what she was expecting -- and she turned around slowly, staring at everything there was to see.

"Jesus," she said softly, her gaze drifting from the walls to the floor to the lights. There really was an entire city down here. They'd told her as much, but it was sort of hard to believe unless you saw it yourself and here she was, finally looking at it.

[girlsolo]

"First underground city, huh?" Kate teases, but she's pretty impressed too. It makes her feel a lot of things. A lot of things. So instead of admitting it, natch, she says, "Seen one, seen 'em all."

Kate had been there to see the bracelet and the talk with Will at least, so, she adds, "My future maybe fiance with the bracelet? He's from an underground city like this," mostly because she's not trying to be a douchebag. It's awesome and Kate should enjoy it.

Psillobars. Herusans. Death. They have a way of fucking with a girl.

[everyone_takes]

"Only underground city," Kate answered with a small grin, reaching out to run her hands over one of the walls. She'd known it was here and all the things she said to Hermione still stood. It freaked her out and she wasn't sure what the purpose of it was, which made it all just a bit more weird, but she was fascinated at the same time.

"So you've been in something like this before?" she asked. "Or did... this is a fucking weird question to be asking, but did that not happen to you before you came here? I mean... you know what I mean, right?"

[girlsolo]

"Both." It is a fucking weird question, but Kate's used to it. Here on the island and off. She shrugs and starts forward into Rapture. She's not sure what she's looking for today. Maybe some wine, maybe some ammo, maybe another weapon, maybe herself.

"It's kind of a long story. You remember what I told you about the Abnormals and what the Sanctuary does?"

[everyone_takes]

"Yeah, I remember," she answered, following Kate, making sure to stick close to her. Already, she was pretty sure that Danny wouldn't like this and the only thing that would save her ass was Kates presence. As long as she stuck close, she figured everything would be fine, even if this whole underground city was as weird as things could fucking get.

"So you saw something like this doing that work?" she asked.

[girlsolo]

"Yeah. See, we found out that..." Kate glances around, reflexively. It's still secret, at least, in her time. "Listen, no one knows this up on the surface. I don't know if it's true in your world, but you can't tell anyone. Okay?"

It's not just because of Hollow Earth. She can't help thinking about Garris, the mystery fiance and his people. Who knows what happens when they leave here or if the people out there are watching them on TV like they see people on the reels. She doesn't want anything to happen to them because of her.